pl4gued's Xanga

Struggle

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 05:40:53 GMT

It's been a bit over a month since I've moved into Rutgers. Things are going pretty smoothly, and I've mostly settled in. However, there have been a couple of issues that I've had to deal with in terms of myself. Unfortunately, I cannot say that I am completely content with how I'm living right now. Not to say life is bad, since I am almost always having a good time and learning new things. But however, I accomplished many of the "goals" that I wished to accomplish upon coming into college.

These are typical things, nothing too out of the ordinary. Things such as getting a high GPA, making a new friend group, finding a girlfriend, and participating in clubs. Obviously college is the time to start thinking about what you will be doing for the rest of your life, and for now, I want to attain the college experience that everyone has. I want to live a new life but in some cases I find myself right back where I was in high school. I want to go to meet new people and have fun while also balancing my social life with my education.

However, is this the life that God wants me to live? Is my purpose in life merely to partake in the "typical college experience"? Is my college life going to be filled merely with frisbees and Asian culture clubs? Although I would very much like it to be, I truly believe that God has a different plan for me. He has been tugging at my heart for the past month asking me, "what do you truly want to do with your life?". And my answer for the longest time has been "I don't know". But once again, is this life really mine? No, I owe everything to God and me asking of Him to just let me have the typical college experience is nothing short of selfishness. However, God speaks to you in so many different ways. After struggling with myself for the longest time I've finally come to realize the things I must do. I never really expected that I would find myself wanting to do something like this, but God spoke to me in a way that I just couldn't refuse. It's still very shaky in my heart, but I think this is what God has in store for me. I'm not going to say it yet, but I really think that this could be a life changing decision.

RU

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 05:35:23 GMT

So its been a couple of days since I've moved into Rutgers, and I've been having a good time getting accustomed to the college life. One thing that I think I've been handling well is grounding my faith in God. I joined almost like 5 different on-campus Christian organizations so I will always have something to do that will encourage me to keep my heart focused on God. College is a time of many temptations, and although I'm in such a threatening environment, I've been very stubborn with my faith and my morals, so I've been avoiding such things altogether. Me, Josh, Matt and Amos have been having a good time looking out for each other and keeping each other accountable in our faith. Having such a fellowship really makes a big difference on how you live your college life.

Although times can get pretty stressful due to classes and different clubs, I think that as long as I manage my time well I will be able to get through the week. I have around two to three classes a day, and only one class on Friday. Although we have only a couple of classes, we really don't have that much time since we need to get around campus via bus and walking. So normally my day will start at around 10:30 AM, and I'll either have a break in between my two classes or just a straight route to my next class, and at the end of it all, I'll usually get back to my dorm or the dining hall at around 8 PM. It doesn't leave much time for other activities, but I will try to squeeze in time for clubs such as Ultimate, R8, CCF, or Intervarsity.

As for myself, I'm enjoying the college life a lot. It really feels good to be independent and have so much freedom, but at the same time you have to keep yourself accountable so you study hard and do all your work. It's a really big jump from high school, but I'm sincerely enjoying myself.

Song of Hope

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 05:40:08 GMT

I will sing a song of hope
Sing along
God of heaven come down
Heaven come down
Just to know that You are near is enough
God of heaven come down, heaven come down

Wisdom Teeth

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 06:40:19 GMT

So, its currently Friday morning at 3:26, and I'm still awake because my mouth is killing me. I have a little more than a week before I move into Rutgers and classes begin, so it's about that time where I start winding down from all I've been doing this summer and get ready for school.

I got all four of my wisdom teeth removed on Monday. Apparently, they were growing in horizontally so it was necessary that I got them out. First time I ever had surgery of any sort, and let me tell you, it's a pretty weird experience. When they first put me under the gas, I was actually trying to resist it and see how long I could last without falling asleep. In the midst of doing it, I suddenly woke up and I had gauze all stuffed up in my mouth. I felt nauseous and dizzy, and I noticed that the lower half of my jaw was numb. Not the best first thing you really want to feel when you wake up. When I got back home, apparently my body didn't react that well to the drugs and I ended up puking a bit. The worst part was the fact that the lower part of my mouth was immobile, so puking was probably the worst thing I could do at that point. I ate nothing but mashed potatoes and yogurt that day, and I have yet to consume solids.

I thought this was pretty cute. But what's not cute is the pain from the four gaps in my mouth that I've had to deal with for the past 3-4 days. The worst is when you wake up because the painkillers have worn off and if you don't sleep with your head elevated, the blood will rush to your head and make it worse. Yeah, it sucks but it's not unbearable. I usually have a high tolerance for pain, but this kind of pain is really more annoying, if anything. Really, the worst part is not being able to eat solids, because I've had the biggest White Castle craving lately and not being able to satisfy that craving is the most painful feeling ever. Mashed potatoes and ice cream just don't cut it.

So a couple things I can not do while I'm in this condition:
Strenuous activity, so no ultimate for me for a while.
Eat solids, obviously.
This is more of a recommendation, but I'm required to sleep with my body or at least my head upright.
No using a straw, because sucking on something may loosen the stitches.

Also, my cheeks have swollen a bit, so I prefer not to talk due to the pain. Yeah, I know you're all wondering how I look like now but really, it's not that noticeable, sorry to disappoint you. So if I don't talk much at youth group or church the next couple of days just remember that I have four gaps in my mouth.

VBS 2009

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 06:02:39 GMT

So this year I finally decided to do VBS after only helping out all the years before. After all of it was over I realized how big of a mistake it was to neglect doing VBS before. There have been many things that have moved me in different ways during my life such as Pilgrim Camp or the Winter Retreat, but I have to say that VBS may have had one of the biggest effects on me. The reason I hadn't done VBS before was solely based on my own belief that I wasn't worthy to do it. I thought that I wasn't worthy to serve and lead these children, because of my situations and scenarios at that time. I thought that there were so many more people who could give these children a better example than I could have.

To be honest, the initial reason that I did VBS this year was because of peer pressure. People urged me to do it every year and I refused each time. I didn't even go to any of the meetings before VBS because I was out playing frisbee and doing other things the entire time. To sum it up, my attitude towards VBS in the beginning was sort of just like, "Eh. Let's get this over with." During decorations I was pretty tired and there were so many things that were annoying me such as the tape falling off or how awkward the netes looked. The entire time I just wanted to finish so I could just go off do my own thing.

Also, on a side note, I wasn't sure how I was going to deal with the children. I had never really tried to speak to kids younger than me or associate with them. Usually when little kids whined or complained I would get agitated pretty easily. So, I wasn't sure how I would lead them if I was so uncomfortable around them.

Sure enough, God spoke to me in so many different ways the moment VBS started on Monday. The second I walked into that sanctuary and saw so many little children singing and dancing in praise, my mindset of VBS completely changed. It's not often that you get to see so many hearts that are that willing to serve, worship, and learn about God in one place. Instead of looking at VBS as a job, I looked at it as an opportunity.

Growing up, I didn't have many resources to learn about God. Although I went to RCCC, the concept of God and Jesus stayed in my head but never made it quite near my heart. As I grew older I forgot completely about God, and I began to forget that I was ever even a Christian. It wasn't until around 8th grade that I finally remembered why I was a Christian and the joys of having Jesus in your life. When I saw these kids at VBS, I guess I saw a little bit of myself in them, and I thought that as the VBS staff, we could have a huge effect on what happens later on in these childrens' lives. Our job is to guide them and lead them on the right path to salvation. In less words, I didn't want these kids to experience what I had. The years where I had forgotten about God were the years in which I had suffered the most.

With God working through me during VBS, I was able to do a lot of things that I really did not think I could do. Playing outside all day in the heat with the children was exhausting and at the end of the day I was very tired, but at the same time during the day I felt no burdens or stresses because I was thoroughly enjoying every moment that God was giving me. As for the lack of communication with the kids, God really took away any worries that I had and I got to know the kids. I got to know one kid named Kyle who ended up really liking me and called my name every now and then when he saw me. Being there for the children and being someone that they look up to is probably one of the, if not, the most touching experience in my life.

Right now, it is 2:55 AM and I'm awake because I still can't stop thinking about how great God was to give me such an opportunity to work with the children. I can't believe how fast it all went by, and although its only been a day since it ended, I am writing about it because it is just completely necessary that I put what I'm feeling to words. I'm very sad that it is over, but I will remember it as one of the most important weeks of my life. Although I heard from some people, "VBS was a lot better last year", honestly, I couldn't have asked for anything else. The feeling of being able to help "fearless kids shine God's light" is by far the best feeling in the world.

"Fear not"
VBS 2009

How I Lost and Found My Wallet

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 22:34:35 GMT

aubatido: yo you wont believe how i found my wallet

huggeycarebear: hahah how

huggeycarebear: MUFFIN SAT ON IT

b1aKCh0psTix: it was in muffins bag

Tiger Man 423: my hypothesis: muffin was behind it

Tiger Man 423: that sneaky bastard

aubatido: EVERYONE SAYS ITS MUFFIN

Tiger Man 423: HE'S MAD SHADY

aubatido: yo okay so

aubatido: i put it on my moms car last night

aubatido: while i was throwing around

aubatido: and this morning

aubatido: my mom drove to work

aubatido: and when she came back

aubatido: it somehow magically

aubatido: stayed on her car

hiatus error404L: AHAHAHAHA

hiatus error404L: WTF?!

For those of you who don't know who Muffin is... he's my cat.

Overdue

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 02:48:48 GMT

I don't know whats been keeping me away from writing in this blog, maybe its been the sheer fatigue from having six tournaments in a row, or maybe it was the obsession in the amount of fun that I was having every day at practice and at tournaments with the team, but all I know is that I feel the obligation to write about what this season has been all about.

Two weeks ago, at the UPA New Jersey State Championships, Watchung Hills took second place with a 11-15 loss to Columbia. For years, my dream been to place first at States. It's hard to believe that in my four years of high school ultimate, I have never achieved it. With my senior year of school coming to an end, I have finally realized that I no longer have that chance to finally take that dream.

That leaves me to the question of, "what does ultimate frisbee mean to me now?". For the longest time I have had no second thoughts about doing that extra sprint, lifting that extra weight, and injuring myself at every tournament, because it was for my team. But recently I have lost my motivation for anything, whether it be working out or even simply finishing my homework after school.

But I remind myself that graduation means nothing. No matter where I go, Rutgers or NYU or wherever, I will still be a part of Warrior Ultimate. That is my reason for my thirst now to be an even better ultimate player. When people ask me where I played, I will proudly say "Watchung Hills". Whatever team I play on, Watchung Hills will be represented.

So yeah, I know its a little late, and I apologize for being so, but I think I can finally say a proper good bye to Warrior Ultimate, because I know in truth that it doesn't matter if I'm out on the field or I'm out somewhere miles away, I will still be a part of Warrior Ultimate.

Peace out from your captain

Brian Li
Warrior Ultimate
Captain 07-09
Rookie of the Year 2006
MVP 2008

He is Risen Indeed!!

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 00:55:31 GMT

Spring Break is almost over. I don't know why I haven't updated since like Winter Retreat, but I guess it goes to show that I can only write about times that are either really good or really bad. And since then, things have been, well, normal. I haven't really had any problems with maintaining my school life and my life for God, even though Ultimate has started and I've been working my butt off like crazy.

So, updates on life since my last update? Well, I got into the New Brunswick Rutgers Business school, so most of my college worries are over. As for now I just have to wait for housing and placement test stuff. I feel bad for a lot of people who didn't get into the college of their choices, but God has plans for us, wherever we go. I know God has really shown me the way to live my life these past couple of months and I have to say that although physically, things haven't been getting much easier, with my AP teachers piling homework on us, mentally and spiritually, things have been really lightening up for me. Even though I've contracted a very lethal strand of senioritis, I can still muster up my strength and do the work without complaints. (Although I will have to say that the quality of my work is usually sub par to terrible)

Today, as usual, I parked in the area that I wasn't supposed to and came late to E1 service. Instead of skipping out and going to Starbucks instead of E2 or whatever, I decided to sit in on Dave and Andrew's class for Men's Discipleship. One thing that I have noticed about church recently, is that its become more real. One of my "concerns" about YG a while ago was how everyone seemed to close up who they were to the community and hid their problems and struggles under a mask. Since Winter Retreat, these walls and barriers have been breaking down more and more with time through things such as team accounting, testimony nights, and open discussions such as the one I witnessed today in Men's Discipleship. It's really a sight when you see some of the friends you've known for a while just come before Christ and lay down all their burdens and troubles. You'd never guess that the people you talk to all the time had such problems and struggles in their life.

So thats my life for right now. Easier? Not really. Better? Definitely. I won't be at Youth Group or Church starting April 1st to the 18th because of out of state Ultimate tournaments, so just a small prayer request for me and my team. Hope that we'll do well and that I keep God as my first priority the entire time.

Haha okay, not sure how to end this post so... I'll do it the traditional way xD

Christ is Risen!!

Winter Retreat

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 03:55:39 GMT

Pic by Dan Jang

This past weekend I went to the RCCC Winter Retreat. For the past couple of weeks, I've been having a lot of struggles at home and within myself. I couldn't find any purpose in the work I was doing, and I was lacking motivation to continue the tedious and mundane life I had been living. Not only that, but I was having an identity crisis with myself, due to the fact that my personalities were completely split between school and church. I had no idea which of these personalities were actually mine, so I struggled with the task of choosing between my "clean cut" look at church or the cynical and uncaring facade that I used in school. Was I that afraid of man that I had to create a completely new personality for myself?

Practicing for the Praise Team for retreat was putting an even heavier mental weight on me. I'm not sure why I even offered to be vocals for the Praise Team during retreat in the first place, but I'd like to think that God had plans for me, and I responded to Him, "fine, whatever". During praise practice 2 nights before the retreat, I was having a difficult time singing loudly. I wasn't sure why I couldn't but it was definitely dragging the rest of the team down because nobody could hear me. I felt like such a burden to the entire team, so I left that night on a low note.

Me and Wes got to the retreat like an hour early, so we helped Jeff by labeling Beechtree and stuff like that. When Amos and Shao got here, we began to set up and practice shortly after, only to find that the bass pedal and cymbals were missing. Luckily, everything fell through pretty well and we were able to practice. I don't know what it was about singing up there that made me feel so refreshed and unburdened, but after singing, I felt as if God had taken all my problems and worries and thrown them away.

Dean Kershner was our speaker for that weekend, which was great because everytime he's spoken in the past I've gotten something out of it. He spoke about not fearing man, and not falling into sin and temptation in order to appease to the ways of life today. God really speaks to you in specific ways, because I can clearly relate everything Dean said that night to my own life. I guess I've been so afraid of standing alone at school that I've had to change myself in order to fit in. Why should I be so concerned of what people think about me when God is the only one whose judgement matters?

My room/small group was a lot of fun. I had Wes, Dave Lee, Andrew Yuen, Kyle Chan, and... John Paul, haha. Our counselor was Jiayi, who was pretty new to the youth group, but not new to our church. He was really chill and our small group had some pretty good discussions. We didn't really get much sleep that night because a lot of us had homework to do and we ended up staying up until around 2 or 3 before finally checking out.

The next day consisted of workshops and a lot of free time. My workshops were What Really Matters, and Be the Gospel. After those two were over, we headed over to the jam room and played a lot of guitar and singing and stuff. It was pretty fun, but everyone was kind of scattered in random groups, haha, and we ended up playing Jason Mraz at least like 50 times, because that was the only song that everyone knew. The rest of the time there consisted of making fun of Sheena with Wes and Amos. When other people were done with basketball or football, I noticed how rancid the boys hallway smelled. There were literally puddles of muddy water in the hallway and wet shoes scattered here and there. Little did I know it was going to smell like that for the rest of the weekend.

Afterwards, it was time for praise team to practice again. We practiced through dinner, and managed to grab a small plate of food right before the main session started. After small groups we practiced Dancing Generation in hopes of playing it later on that night, and ended up delaying the rest of the kids from coming into the auditorium. Testimony night was really touching this year. Its really amazing to see some people come forward to Christ and lay down some of their deepest and darkest secrets and struggles before Him. I know left everything behind for Him that night. For those of you who heard my testimony that night, I'd just like to say that it is through the love and encouragement of my brothers and sisters in Christ that I was able to get through such struggles. I'd ask you to try to keep the things I said to yourselves, but then again, I don't fear man anymore so whatever, haha.

Unfortunately, we went a bit over the time limit that night and we weren't able to play Dancing Generation, so we headed back to our rooms feeling pretty disappointed. That night, I couldn't really sleep that well because John kept on snoring. Halfway through the night I decided that I couldn't take it anymore so I tried to throw a pillow at him. Unfortunately, I missed and hit Jiayi in the face.

After explaining to Jiayi what exactly hit him in the face last night, we started our last and final session. It was a little strange topic to end the retreat on, but at least we got to play Dancing Generation at the end. It was amazing, everyone (okay thats a lie) was jumping, and I finally got all the energy that I had the night before out. Afterwards, we took the seniors and retreat picture, and its just really sad to think that this will be my last retreat, and that I didn't even go to the one last year. Its really sad that I took the past couple years of my life for granted, because this retreat has been one of the best things thats happened to me.

It makes me sad to think about how fast it ended, but God has truly blessed me with this amazing opportunity to serve Him.

Worried

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 21:52:37 GMT

Man, its already the beginning of February and I STILL don't have the right to say that I'm in college. I've gotten into Stony Brook and Penn State (University Park), so I'm not exactly worried about my future. I'm probably going to get rejected from UC Irvine, so that's not an option either. What's pissing me off is that I still haven't gotten into Rutgers when I've gotten into a college that's even better. The reason I want to go to Rutgers so badly is because I don't want to make the adjustment to a different area, and I haven't even visited to Stony Brook or Penn State yet. I'm looking forward to being able to hang out with my friends who graduated last year again, since a lot of them go to Rutgers, but how can I say that when I don't even know if I'm going to get in?

So right now I'm just waiting until the end of this month, because that is supposedly when I find out. In the meantime, I've realized that I started slacking off WAYYY too early and I might have a C final semester average in one of my J classes. So yeah, I screwed up big time on that one, but its not like I can do anything about it since second semester doesn't really count. Nothing else really matters to me now except working out and waiting for ultimate to start, so I've just been punishing myself with the weights frequently.

I'm not sure how I'm going to spend my second semester. I'm probably going to spend it doing exactly what I did 1st semester and continue slacking off, cause I've still been getting Bs and stuff on tests and quizzes. But I know for sure that I'm going to spend nearly 90% of my attention on Ultimate. This is my last year, and I'm going to go all out until I collapse.

I've got a long weekend coming up, which includes the Winter Retreat. Unfortunately, I'm not as excited as everyone else is. I'm looking forward to getting back with God a bit and being able to cast away a lot of my worries, but thats about it. I had a pretty bad time at the last retreat I went to two years ago, but I'm pretty sure this one will be better.

This post was really messy