Hello, xanga. I tried to write in here numerous times but I just kept on getting sidetracked. And now, I have been sidetracked to the point where I'm finally writing a post at 5:20 AM, during the start of finals weeks. I'd just like to first take a moment and thank everyone who wished me a happy birthday. I know I'm a little late in thanking all of you, but it really means a lot to me. Also special thanks to Erica for the huge card and all the food, which I will be consuming non stop during my study sessions. Finally, thank you to Amos, Sheena, Lesley, Josh, Matt, Leo, Micah, Vikki, and Kathie for forcing me to celebrate my birthday and have a good time. Also, buying the gifts, cake, and kalbi for me. You guys are the best. Damn Josh, at least pretend to be happy
Moving along, life has been pretty steady despite a couple of ups, downs and a couple of issues that I want to address in this post. On the outside, life at college looks pretty good, and I won't lie, there's not much that I could wish for that would make my current college experience better, except maybe even more fellowship and somehow finding a significant other of some sort in the process (but I won't dwell on that). However, although these things have not been putting me in a huge slump, there are some problems that I have been coming across frequently during these 3-4 months. The first is dealing with temptation. As you all may know, college is a place where it is very easy to fall into sin and temptation. Living on the college campus gives you easy access to parties, alcohol, drugs, and worse things if you look hard enough. However, that isn't what my problem is about. I can proudly say that I have had no problem resisting such temptations. Maybe the fact that I'm socially awkward makes it easier for me to resist such social outings but I have been to a total of two parties, both of which I did not drink nor did I stay very long at. Where the problem lies is within the reason as to why I am resisting such temptations. When I turn down a party invitation, I can't help but feel a little bit smug or good about myself. However, the Bible reveals that outward self righteousness can be related with Pharisaic legalism. Jesus reveals the Pharisees' true motives in Matt 23:5, in which he claims,
But all their works they do to be seen by men. - Matt 23:5
In all this "resisting" and self righteousness, I had forgotten the true reason as to why I was doing all this work. Similar to the idea that when we do good deeds, if they are not for God, then the good deed becomes fruitless.
Another issue in my life that has been reoccurring is the thought of uselessness and sin. I shared a testimony last night (i realize its morning by now) about how the thought of being a terrible person plagued me throughout my lifetime. All these thoughts of I'm not good enough circulated, and to this day, still fill my head on almost a daily basis. On the inside, I am a person of hate, greed, anger, and lust. I am a living embodiment of everything that the Bible condemns. Such thoughts led to several attempts at suicide at the age of 13 and 14, and nowadays I still struggle with having to cope with the idea that I am a sinner. Now, when someone says something like that, the natural reaction is to say something uplifting and positive, like "oh you're not a terrible person!" or "oh everything will be alright." However, are we deserving of such comments? As sinners, what we deserve is absolute and eternal death. So technically, when I say I am a terrible person and a sinner, I am right.
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God - Romans 3:23 For the wages of sin is death - Romans 6:23
However, the thing that I seem to forget often is that I am blessed by God's grace and mercy. Do I deserve the great fellowship that I'm a part of now? Do I deserve the warmth of a loving family? Do I deserve the security that I have been accustomed to all these years? The answer is no, and that is the pure example of God's mercy towards me. And with this in mind I have come to peace with myself and God at the moment, and can continue to strive to grow as a Christian.
Mercy - not getting what you do deserve / withheld punishment Grace - getting what you don't deserve / unmerited favor
I need to end this post because it is now 6:05 AM and I need to wake up and meet Benedict at 2:30 PM. Therefore, I will leave you with the most cliche Bible verse but it is the verse that holds the most truth in our lives and is the underlying theme of this post.
John 3:16 For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.
It's been a bit over a month since I've moved into Rutgers. Things are going pretty smoothly, and I've mostly settled in. However, there have been a couple of issues that I've had to deal with in terms of myself. Unfortunately, I cannot say that I am completely content with how I'm living right now. Not to say life is bad, since I am almost always having a good time and learning new things. But however, I accomplished many of the "goals" that I wished to accomplish upon coming into college.
These are typical things, nothing too out of the ordinary. Things such as getting a high GPA, making a new friend group, finding a girlfriend, and participating in clubs. Obviously college is the time to start thinking about what you will be doing for the rest of your life, and for now, I want to attain the college experience that everyone has. I want to live a new life but in some cases I find myself right back where I was in high school. I want to go to meet new people and have fun while also balancing my social life with my education.
However, is this the life that God wants me to live? Is my purpose in life merely to partake in the "typical college experience"? Is my college life going to be filled merely with frisbees and Asian culture clubs? Although I would very much like it to be, I truly believe that God has a different plan for me. He has been tugging at my heart for the past month asking me, "what do you truly want to do with your life?". And my answer for the longest time has been "I don't know". But once again, is this life really mine? No, I owe everything to God and me asking of Him to just let me have the typical college experience is nothing short of selfishness. However, God speaks to you in so many different ways. After struggling with myself for the longest time I've finally come to realize the things I must do. I never really expected that I would find myself wanting to do something like this, but God spoke to me in a way that I just couldn't refuse. It's still very shaky in my heart, but I think this is what God has in store for me. I'm not going to say it yet, but I really think that this could be a life changing decision.
So its been a couple of days since I've moved into Rutgers, and I've been having a good time getting accustomed to the college life. One thing that I think I've been handling well is grounding my faith in God. I joined almost like 5 different on-campus Christian organizations so I will always have something to do that will encourage me to keep my heart focused on God. College is a time of many temptations, and although I'm in such a threatening environment, I've been very stubborn with my faith and my morals, so I've been avoiding such things altogether. Me, Josh, Matt and Amos have been having a good time looking out for each other and keeping each other accountable in our faith. Having such a fellowship really makes a big difference on how you live your college life.
Although times can get pretty stressful due to classes and different clubs, I think that as long as I manage my time well I will be able to get through the week. I have around two to three classes a day, and only one class on Friday. Although we have only a couple of classes, we really don't have that much time since we need to get around campus via bus and walking. So normally my day will start at around 10:30 AM, and I'll either have a break in between my two classes or just a straight route to my next class, and at the end of it all, I'll usually get back to my dorm or the dining hall at around 8 PM. It doesn't leave much time for other activities, but I will try to squeeze in time for clubs such as Ultimate, R8, CCF, or Intervarsity.
As for myself, I'm enjoying the college life a lot. It really feels good to be independent and have so much freedom, but at the same time you have to keep yourself accountable so you study hard and do all your work. It's a really big jump from high school, but I'm sincerely enjoying myself.
I will sing a song of hope Sing along God of heaven come down Heaven come down Just to know that You are near is enough God of heaven come down, heaven come down
So, its currently Friday morning at 3:26, and I'm still awake because my mouth is killing me. I have a little more than a week before I move into Rutgers and classes begin, so it's about that time where I start winding down from all I've been doing this summer and get ready for school.
I got all four of my wisdom teeth removed on Monday. Apparently, they were growing in horizontally so it was necessary that I got them out. First time I ever had surgery of any sort, and let me tell you, it's a pretty weird experience. When they first put me under the gas, I was actually trying to resist it and see how long I could last without falling asleep. In the midst of doing it, I suddenly woke up and I had gauze all stuffed up in my mouth. I felt nauseous and dizzy, and I noticed that the lower half of my jaw was numb. Not the best first thing you really want to feel when you wake up. When I got back home, apparently my body didn't react that well to the drugs and I ended up puking a bit. The worst part was the fact that the lower part of my mouth was immobile, so puking was probably the worst thing I could do at that point. I ate nothing but mashed potatoes and yogurt that day, and I have yet to consume solids.
I thought this was pretty cute. But what's not cute is the pain from the four gaps in my mouth that I've had to deal with for the past 3-4 days. The worst is when you wake up because the painkillers have worn off and if you don't sleep with your head elevated, the blood will rush to your head and make it worse. Yeah, it sucks but it's not unbearable. I usually have a high tolerance for pain, but this kind of pain is really more annoying, if anything. Really, the worst part is not being able to eat solids, because I've had the biggest White Castle craving lately and not being able to satisfy that craving is the most painful feeling ever. Mashed potatoes and ice cream just don't cut it.
So a couple things I can not do while I'm in this condition: Strenuous activity, so no ultimate for me for a while. Eat solids, obviously. This is more of a recommendation, but I'm required to sleep with my body or at least my head upright. No using a straw, because sucking on something may loosen the stitches.
Also, my cheeks have swollen a bit, so I prefer not to talk due to the pain. Yeah, I know you're all wondering how I look like now but really, it's not that noticeable, sorry to disappoint you. So if I don't talk much at youth group or church the next couple of days just remember that I have four gaps in my mouth.
